The crack where the light gets in

Leonard Cohen Quote Sunrise

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen

Somehow my writing about this never ending grief journey always ends on a hopeful note. It catches me by surprise. Is that the real me? Or is that just how I want to seem?

Where is the woman who on bad days still cries in the car on the way to work? And on the way home. And in between. Who three years on from the death of her daughter still sometimes has weekends where she doesn’t get out of her pyjamas and binges on carbs and crappy chick lit to avoid the gaping hole that used to be filled with chatter and performance lessons and craft projects that left glitter on everything for weeks and endless re-runs of Barbie and Santa Buddies. Who struggles through black days for weeks leading up to her daughter’s birthday and anniversary.

Truthfully there are many days where I am fine, happy, joyful and grateful for the amazing people in my life. But there are also many days when the grief path I am walking feels like hip high mud, one plodding step through the filthy mire after another. And that’s ok. Grief and healing, like life (funny that), are messy and complicated.

Maybe that’s the picture of grief (life) that others need to see. None of us are perfect offerings. We are not healed. We are broken, but we are here showing up anyway, on good days or bad. The light gets in, but the light gets out too, that’s how can recognise each other, shining in the dark, no matter what our griefs or heartbreaks. We are not alone. We are all broken, but we are ringing the bells that still can ring.

I guess that’s ending on kind of a hopeful note too. Sorry not sorry.

4 thoughts on “The crack where the light gets in

  1. Thank you for sharing the messiness of grief. It’s something that people don’t talk about enough and it tends to make those on the outside of loss uncomfortable. Someday perhaps someone will remember your journey and realize that they are okay and will laugh again between their tears.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I hope so… when we found out Zoe’s cancer was terminal I was lucky enough to know people who had already walked this path before me and am now sadly aware that I am one of those people for others who have come behind me.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I watched helplessly as 2 separate families I know, dealt with the loss of a child this past year. I cannot begin to fathom the pain a parent feels when such a tragedy strikes. It is heartbreaking to witness, feeling utterly helpless to do more than offer comfort as they struggle to face another day.

    I hope that as each day passes, your heart continues to heal, allowing grief to filter out & a sense of peace to take its place.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am so sorry to hear of your friends’ loss and am always happy to hear that people can’t fathom it because I wish nobody had to.
      I do continue to heal and mostly do have a strong sense of peace, but I hope being honest that there are still hard days helps others to feel less alone in it.
      As for feeling helpless, despite having been through this I still feel utterly helpless when it happens to others.
      Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughts. x


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