This morning Kevin and I were looking at the real estate ads (I know, it’s not just my job, it’s my hobby) when Kevin pointed out one very lovely, very pricey house and said “maybe in another life eh?.” In quick succession I had some thoughts run through my head.
“Oh yes, what I wouldn’t give for another life right now.”
“But what would that life look like? A life where Zoe was going to live? A life where we lived a perfect life in a perfect house?”
“That life wouldn’t be my life. Awful as everything is right now, it’s still my life.”
I surprised myself here. Of course I would in a heartbeat change my life for one where Zoe will live. But at the same time, the way we are living at the moment is about accepting that things are as they are and appreciating each of the bittersweet moments we have simply for what they are.
I do find my mind skipping ahead to “what about after,” or “how is it going to end” or “will Zoe going be as peaceful as I wish for or scary for her?” that is human nature, but I’d have to say it doesn’t benefit me in any way. When I think that way I just get upset and am incapable of appreciating the good moments we have been given.
And for now we are still having some, maybe even more than some, thanks to good medication and plenty of love and support.